Better U

Better U

It's more than just the name of the company I used to get my ketamine treatment.  This became my mantra.

From my first round of 9 sessions to the first two sessions of my current one, I noticed that my sessions have been leading me to a more self-compassionate me.  

This last session made me process talking to all my UVU professors looking at the experience with a lot of love.  Some difficult memories came up but even those made me look at them with a lot of love as well.

My previous session took me to the top of the view of the rock climbing wall where I go rock climbing at UVU and the view didn't feel so scary.  And I could see those that were supporting me when I was facing my fear of heights.

My seventh session in the first prescription was hard but at the very end it closed with the memories of my friend Amelia saying the kindest things towards me.

When studying for my Actuary exams, I've been able to do 40+ questions a day.  Songs that gave me the worst flashbacks for 22 years no longer carry that weight. 

I am really really really excited to be going back to school this Fall and I am so close to graduating.   I was able to process all of that in ketamine as well.  

Some of the questions prompts involve a lot of deep thinking and reflecting and the music in those playlists really make you feel your feelings.  

I can't wait to see where the rest of my treatment takes me but I can't say enough great things about Better U!

UVU Spring 2024 Special Thank You's

This is the first time I wrote one of these for a semester I took off.  I wrote my very first one at Spring 2011 when I was a student at LDS Business College.  And since then, I've been really letting it out.  And UVU has been such an amazing blessing in my life.   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMk1ZrxkqY0

The first one I wanted to write was Dr. Heiny.

He was my Mathstats professor last Fall.  When I took that class, I was in the middle of going through a lot of changes in my personal life and I was also so overloaded barely hanging on.  Dr. Heiny has been so patient with me.  So generous with his time both in his office as well as his email response time.  He's been an amazing mentor to me.  He gave me so many amazing tips on how to be a better student and getting my confidence back.  He has been so calm.  He has helped me so much to understand a difficult subject.  He is also great to chit chat about things and baseball.  He's helped me to see my progress and ways that I get in my own way sometimes.  I can't wait to have him as my professor this coming Fall again.

- Dr. Patrick Ling- In doing my preps for Exam FM now, I am incredibly grateful for his help in preparing for it.  He showed me some great shortcuts.  He was always so available in his office.  He spent 5 hours with me on the even of my first attempt going over final prep with me.  He helped me to make sense of the questions and read them carefully and slow down.  He helped me to see common mistakes I made.  He helped me to stay current with my Math.  He was a huge part in rekindling my relationship with Math.  He advocated for me to a recruiter that came to visit our campus.  "When Fernando came to our school, he was very beaten up and we have been building him back up" and I will never forget those words.  

-Dr. Islam- Dr. Islam was my professor Spring 2023.  Since then he has been so generous with his office time.  He shares with me his research projects.  And he always goes deep in topics I am studying and helps me understand Statistics topics better.  He helped me so much to not feel lost in his class.  He makes me feel like I have been progressing.  He made me feel good about the way I express myself.  And he's been a really good mentor and makes sure I have my questions answered.  

- Dr. Kidd - Dr. Kidd is such an amazing professor, I don't have words to start describing him.  He is very professional, very kind, very attentive in his emails.  He is great at explaining things.  He really helps students to get to where they want professionally while holding you accountable.  He is great at explaining Statistics so that even a five year old can understand.  He gave me an opportunity to help a graduate student this semester with a capstone project while getting some hands on experience.  

- Dr  Joe Simmons- Thank you so much for our amazing chats about life, helping me with Math problems and getting over the hump I was in.   He was so kind to buy me lunch too and made me feel so validated. Great guy.  Always makes me laugh.  Very spontaneous.  Hilarious.  Brings so much joy into our conversations and he helped me so much to regain my confidence with school and great friend and mentor.  

- Lisa W.- Best academic coach.  She helped me to get through so much!  Lisa is the sweetest soul while also keeping me accountable.  My UVU experience would not be the same without her.

-Maren- Maren took a struggling student who was failing multiple classes, was feeling very traumatized by not only a relatively recent death, and she helped me so much to not only get the help I need academically, but emotionally as well.  She saw the best in me.  She helped me to see that I will graduate when I was losing all hope.  She got me an amazing tutor and math friend that helped me so much to make sure I am understanding Mathstats.  I like how we get into deep topics.  She's been a wonderful listener and support.

-Dr. Zhu- So last semester, I used to always go to his office, say hi to him, we talked a little bit and I always shook his hand on the way out.  And then I took this semester off.   He gave me a hard time for not going there anymore.  And I had no idea I had that kind of impact on people.  He was such an amazing professor.  I will miss him so much now that he retired!

-Dr. Andrist- I had reached the lowest point in my academic life.  She really gave me the hope that I can do this.  She made me feel so important when she reached out to me.  She helped me to not take on too much.  She's been a great support.  Her perfect balance between kindness and empathy while also keeping myself accountable has helped me to push through so much!  She's been an amazing support in my journey pushing my Actuary exams.

-Dave B.- Dave is the best friend anybody can ever have.  He always messages me randomly and sends  me joke and makes me feel like I was important part of what is now Ensign College (LDS Business College when I went there).  We have the same dad joke humor. He is a very loving, humorous type of guy and I love him! 

-Abi- Abi has been an amazing body double.  Best homework buddy ever and she always makes me feel included and connected in her activities.  I was able to get a lot done with just her sitting across from me while she worked on something else.  

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Although I don't go to school with them, I see them so frequently, they just became a huge part of my life and don't realize it.  I am talking about the amazing folks at Grifols plasma in Orem.  

-Connor is one of the kindest, most genuine guys.  And he does such an amazing job sticking.

- I always love when Mikaylee sticks me because she's so funny, and such a sweet soul, and I end up hearing her random stories and she just elevates my mood.  She always has a smile on her face and gives her undivided attention to the people she's helping.  She just brightens everyone's days.  She does an amazing job sticking.  Everyone is naturally drawn out to her and she keeps such a humility about it.  

-Nina is the sweetest and so funny and she's so empathetic while she makes me laugh and gives me a hard time.  She does such a beautiful job sticking as well. She has a really contagious energy and she connects so well with everyone.  

-Porter-  Porter makes me feel so good about myself when I come in.  He is so funny and he is so fun to banter with and at the same time one of the kindest, most caring guys I met.  I just love Porter!  

-Tyrell-  It may seem like such a small thing but I was so happy to see him back.  I had only talked to him once and he made me feel like his best friend.  He is so awesome to talk to.  One of the friendliest guys I ever met.

-Colby- (I hope I spelled his name right).  He always acts so happy to see me.  I love the fake fights he picks with Porter over me hahaha.  But he is such a gentleman and kind and funny guy and makes me feel so good when I come in.  

-Odi- Odi is such a sweet soul.  So kind.  She's so friendly and fun to talk to.  She connects really well with her donors and does such a good job both sticking and conversationally.  She always has a smile on her face while balancing this job with her family life.  And she was so caring and went out of her way to help me find my car key that I accidentally left in my car hahahaha.

-Amelia- Amelia always makes me feel so special.  She makes me feel like the coolest person ever.  She always makes me feel so good about coming in.  She has no idea how much her words helped me lift my self-confidence and she makes me feel so unique.  So thank you Amelia for not only contributing to my amazing experience at Grifols but for your excitement, enthusiasm, and for helping me see myself in a new light.

-Lia- Lia made me feel so good when we met.  She is just so happy to see everybody and receives them with the biggest smile.  She takes genuine interest in your and your life and knows how to connect with others.  She's so patient and empathetic and just so generous in her interactions.  And she's really funny.  She also sees the best in everyone.  The second time I was screenened by her, she made me feel so special with the way she lit up when I came in.  I have been incredibly touched by how kind she is.

-Aislyn-  Every time I have seen Aislyn, she's left me in a state of pure joy that lasts a really long time.  Sweetest personality and she's incredibly beautiful inside and out.  After the last time she screened me, I was having fun and bantering with everyone in the back.  And when I was going home, all I could feel was the joy of seeing her again.  She made me think of a song by my favorite singer, Laura Pausini, "con la tua voce l'alegria che dentro me non va più via.  Come un tatuaggio sulla pelle" (Translation: With your voice the joy inside me that doesn't go away, like a tattoo on the skin).

That  Aislyn smile got me through a really difficult month of February.  I have no words.   She just left me feeling the purest side of me.  She really touched that sensitive part of my heart.  And she inspired me the courage to express that.  

Thank you for having touched my life the way you did.  Thank you for radiating your light the way you do.  Thank you for having that sweet Aislyn personality.  

-Queston- When I had that off experience, thank you so much for reaching out to me both by email and by calling me.  I was so touched by how caring you are.  I loved talking to you on the phone.  Thank you for handling me with so much grace and calm.  Thank you for hiring the best people and your hard work and your patience in dealing with stressful situations.  Thank you for being such a caring manager!  

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I also wanted to include the UVU Brazilian club.  Especially Victor (we miss you already), Amanda, Camila, Dani, Lucas, Pedro (who is not even Brazilian lol).  They make me feel so special and always reminding me of different activities and they message me and they are also really generous with their time when they see me in the halls.  I just love my Brazilian club so much!

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-Alissa- Words can't express how fortunate I am to have someone like Alissa in my life.  A couple of years ago, when my brakes failed she texted me. Then she wanted to watch a World Cup game with me just to support me.  And same with improv, and now my upcoming graduation and she texted me to check on me when two of my friends died in February.  Alissa is the best and the sweetest friend I ever made.  

-Lisa D.- Lisa is a very amazing and special friend I made long distance.  She was so sweet to reach out to me when a common friend of us passed away and showed me how we are here for each other.  I was going through an incredible shitty time that month.  And Lisa has just been an angel.  I miss Kendra a lot and she's helped me get through such a difficult loss.  

-Elis-  Elis is the best friend I could ever have made.  When we met way back in the dinosaur years, my life really was going nowhere.  She's seen me struggle for a long time and never thought any less of me and kept initiating contact.  She's taken me to a Jazz game.  Makes sure I am feeling healthy when fasting.  Has the patience of a saint with my long messages.  She called me when Kendra passed.  She's so empathetic and understanding and patient with the hardest parts of my life and makes me feel incredibly safe.  She helped me to get through the pain of losing my cousin 2 years ago.  And helped me to get through a very hard month of February.  There was a dance where she was always pushing me to ask the girls I liked to dance and then would ask, "where is her number?".  And we need people like that in our lives that push us to our very best.  

-Mom-   these are the words I wrote about her last semester that still hold true today.

Thank you for being my kindred spirit.  Thank you for being my number one fan.  Thank you for teaching me how to treat others, animals, for making others feel like their best selves.  Thank you for the pep talks and thank you for your reminders and thank you for not letting me be too hard on myself.  Thank you so much for all your love and support when I was at my worst.  Thank you for all our mother-son times.  Thank you for the moral support you gave me at school.  Thank you for enduring our hardest times together.  Thank you for always picking up calls.  Thank you so much for being my biggest cheerleader in my hardest days.  Thank you so much for all the sacrifices you made.  Thank you so much for all the yummy meals.  Thank you for always being by myself when no one would.  Thank you so much for making me feel smart and remind me how far I came when I felt stuck.  

My mom is a people magnet. She has a way of making people fall in love with her within seconds.  I never met anyone more compassionate than my mom.  She's the type of person who will buy a bottle of cold water for the mechanic working on her can.  I've seen her buy groceries for the missionaries.  She knows how to make others feel special.  She's always treated my friends like her own children.  She's always rescued and adopted new pets.   I learned a lot about loving animals from her.  She's very fun and upbeat. My mom has been an incredible support to me who has helped me to see the end goal, to visualize me graduating already, and finding a better job.  She's had me visualize myself as an Actuary now and having a better quality of life.  Thank you so much for pushing me through this, for showing what I have overcome already, and what I am overcoming now.  She's shown me how much I learned.  Thank you for being my biggest motivation!  Love you mom! ❤️

What Math Has Taught Me About Self-Compassion

     Although, I have loved Math since I was in 7th grade, it wasn't until I got to later High School Math, Trig, Calculus, and Statistics that I started to see just how fascinating Math really is!  

     I will get to in a little bit what really fascinates me about Math.  People say that Math was so easy until they started to add the "x" and it gets more and more complicated.  While I agree every new topic adds a level of complexity, I will argue that the more advanced Math gets, the EASIER life gets in some aspects.  For example, the multiplication sign is saving us time from having to add the same thing multiple times.  The geometric series is there to help us save time adding up things that increase or decrease by an amount.  Counting techniques help us to find unique ways to listing an individual item or groups without having to list them all.  The theta symbol makes it a lot easier to see an angle like the red octagon sign on the road is a stop sign.  

     Let's say you bought a musical instrument and you only learned how to play one note or even a few notes.  You wouldn't say, this is so boring and useless, all this instrument does is play a note and I don't care how that note sounds.  And that's how I look at it whenever people say, "This is so boring/useless/I don't care about what x" and other variations of the same complaint.  

     The very first time I ever watched Jurassic Park I thought, "What a boring movie.  It's just this guy outside explaining to everyone dinosaur eggs".  My little brother said, "That's not even the beginning of the movie!"  And that's how I see whenever people bringing out something similar about "finding x".  One thing I find so beautiful in Math is moving different pieces around, finding how something is expressed in a different way, substitutions, variable transformations, and how you start to see movement.  In our high school math, we are only used to either seeing a line or a specific shape curve.  Well, in Calculus we are introduced to polar coordinates (which allow us to draw flowers and other cool stuff as well), and parametric equations which allow us to draw more unique curves.  We then get into 3D and we use the same parametric equations to see how an object moves over time and we get to see how things interact in space.  Also, in Statistics, we are introduced to the concept of random variables and we get to see how different variables interact with one another, then we analyze two variables working together, and we make transformations out of them to get easier to work with as well as to increase accuracy.  

But in order to get there, we have to learn the basic stuff that get us there.  And there is a lot to learn for us to be able to appreciate it and get to that level.  But once you start putting in the pieces, you start to be the beauty of it all and it becomes a beautiful musical piece.  And it's the same with learning a language as well.  

One of the things that made me fall in love with Mathematical Statistics (MathStat) is the concept of variable substitutions and transformations.

An example of this is when we learned about the U-substitution in Calc 2.

The idea is we take what would be a difficult to solve integral, convert it to a simpler integral, and we can either transform back to the original variables or we can change the integration limits to the variable u and solve for that.  

When you get into 3-D, it's it's even more fascinating.  We use the Jacobian method of transformation to transform the surface into a whole new coordinate system. (U,V)

In Mathstat, we use this not only to make numbers easier to work with but we want to get a clear view of what's going on with that image and the image we get doesn't give us a clear view of what is happening there.  And I find the process of converting from the (X,Y) coordinate system to the (U,V) something so cool!!!!  And in Mathstat,the probability distribution of the (X,Y) world is the same as a different probability distribution of the (U,V) world.  

If you look at the top row, before the bivariate transformation, those circles (we call them level curves in Calc 3) are very crooked.  

And for me, anything of this world is in the (X,Y) coordinate system that we see and take for granted and everything spiritual we can't see is in the (U,V) coordinate system.  And when we beat ourselves up too much, we are not looking at ourselves in the (U,V) coordinate system which is how God sees us.  And what's cool is that there are infinite dimensions!!!!

So if you are being too hard on yourself, look at yourself in your U,V coordinates instead of your X,Y coordinates.

And I close with one of my favorite quotes from Marianne Williamson often attributed to Nelson Mendela:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

UVU '23 Fall Semester Special Thank You's

     

With a lot going on lately and not sure how to express it properly, I remembered I used to write these after every semester when I attended LDS Business College (now Ensign College).  Sadly, Facebook notes is a thing of the past now so I am writing here instead. 

And the first person that belongs here is my Actuary mentor Dr.  Patrick Ling.  Quoting his words to a recruiter, "When Fernando came to UVU, he was very beaten up and we've been building him back up".  Dr. Ling spent this past summer plus this whole Fall semester helping me with my preparations for my Actuary exams.  He showed me awesome tricks.  He helped me to stay calm.  He helped me to rekindle my love for Math that I thought was gone.  On the day before my exam attempt, he spent 5 hours in his office with me doing problems, showing me tricks, he helped me to read the question.  He's also prepared me to not only get my next Actuarial job but to keep it as well.  Some topics got rusty and he's helped me to un-rust them.  He keeps me in check.  He keeps me accountable.  And I could not be more grateful for him.

Dr. Erik Heiny-  I can't mention him without crying.  He always had such a calming effect on me.  He helped me so much this semester.  He showed me ways I get in my own way sometimes.  He let me learn from my own mistakes.  He made me feel so good about reaching out to him at the beginning of the semester.  He gave me gave me amazing tips that made me a better student.  He kindly and patiently listened to me when I had struggles this semester.  He inspired a lot of calm feelings in me.  And I just love his teaching style.

Dr. Muhammed Islam - He was my professor last semester and helped me a lot this semester too.  When he was my professor and I felt super lost, he would always come to my desk to make sure I was following along and point me to the section of the book we were looking at.  When we had a test in class that was open book, he pointed to me the section of the book the formula sheet was at.  He helped me when I was really struggling with R.  He said I write really well.  And when he helped me in a different class, he said, "you are doing really great!"  Both during the summer and during his office hours, he's always been really generous with his time and helping me to understand topics covered in my different Statistics classes, he shared with me about the research he was doing, and we would just talk Statistics.  He is really caring and just a good-hearted man.

- Dr. Ya Ling- I love her so much!  I don't even know where to begin.  I came to her at the beginning of the semester and expressed my fears over certain topics coming up and she just said, "just come to my office" and I did.  And she made them look so easy even a child could do it.  I also appreciated how flexible she was (her and Dr. Heiny) with me.  She's always been available outside her office hours.  She helped me with a different class as well.

-Dr. Joe Simmons- Another professor from last semester.  He helped me so much when I was his student and he helped me a lot in two classes this semesters.  He also gave me great tips on how to be a better student.  He is so generous with his office time when he's not too busy.  He nearly killed me with laughter many times.  He lights up the room when he walks in.  He connects so well with everyone.  You can hear him from miles away.   

-Dr. Josh Fagan- Also from last semester.  He was not only an amazing professor when he was my professor, I could not thank him enough for the amazing mentor he has been.  When I was clearly struggling, he wrote me the kindest message to not give up.  He's always assured me that whatever is not working out now will work out and encourages me to not stop working hard even when I am not seeing the fruits.  His office not only is a great place of learning but it's been a great refuge from the world as well.  

-Lisa-  Lisa has been an amazing coach and mentor.  I started to see a lot of differences since working with her.  I am so grateful she went through a great deal of training to be able to understand people with ADHD like me.  She was also able to detect a light sensitivity in me and got me screened for Irlen Syndrome  which is leading me to wear these special lenses.  Her sense of humor is so cute and she's made me laugh so much.  And I always look forward to our meetings so much.  

-Saela- From the moment we started to work together, I knew we'd connect really well.  You had the hugest smile from the very beginning.  I feel like a much better student since we started to work together.  I can't thank you enough for those color overlay pages you gave me while I wait on my Irlen lenses.  I loved our Gleason training.  I am so excited to work with you more next semester.

-Abi- I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for how present you have been in my life the last two semesters.  Thank you for being such an amazing study partner and thank you for being an awesome friend.  

It made my day when you randomly texted me just to do homework together.  In the ADHD world, we call that Body Doubling and that made it so much easier to keep up with my work.  And thank you so much for having invited me to the Friendsgiving thing at the Women's Success Center.  I had a blast!

Tac- You came into my life at the right time.  I don't even know how to express my gratitude.  Thank you SO MUCH for having dedicated so much of your free time to helping me in MathStat.  I don't even know how to thank you for your generosity with your time and you helped me understand that class so much and thank you for helping me connect the topic you were helping me with other topics as well as a deeper understanding of the current topic our book didn't do a good job of explaining as well as connections with other Math classes.

-Maren- I am so grateful for the beautiful way Maren always advocates for me.  We met at the beginning of the semester and she's taken such great care of me.  She brings the best out of me and makes me feel like my best self.  I am so grateful for all the work that she does to make me feel supported.  She connected me with Tac, who is an amazing tutor.  She connected me with amazing resources and as a non traditional student, it feels so good to have someone like Maren there.  She's so caring and listens to what is going on in my personal life as well.  She helped me to see a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel, and when I struggled the most she helped me to see I have the intelligence and work ethic to graduate from this university.  She's really helped me to see the progress that I made.  

-Miles-You received me in the Math Lab with so much love.  Thank you so much for being so caring.  Thank you for the amazing staff that you hire.  Thank you for always talking to me and the support you give me.  You make it so hard for us to stop talking and it makes me feel special and cared about. 

-Payton-  One time, I was on the fifth floor of the library struggling with my homework and I had this nagging feeling to go to the Math Lab.  And when I went there, after you were getting your own help, you were so generous with your time and helping me with my stuff.  That and you always have been so kind to be working front desk of the Math lab so thank you Peyton! I felt so special with the help you were giving me and you explained it so well in ways no one else could've.  And I loved having a class with you this semester! 

-This is the broadest one out there but the PGHS reunion and those who organized it......some of the best, if not the best people we met growing up were from Pleasant Grove when we grew up.  I received so much love back then.  And when the reunion was announced, I LOVED that everyone posted their life updates and everyone else jumped in to throw supportive comments.  I LOVED reconnecting with all of you and I am so grateful our friendship withstood the test of time.

-The Smith's crew- Y'all have been incredibly wonderful to me.  I don't even have words but y'all bring the best out of me.  I love working with y'all a lot and y'all just make me into a better person.

-Alissa P.-  The world seriously needs more people like you.  Last year, I was at the lowest point of my life and then the breaks of my car failed.  And you were so sweet to text me to make sure I was ok and you have no idea how much that meant the world to me.  You have always showed up big in my life when I needed it.  When I posted  being at Tushar, you commented about us going together to the best Brazil game.  I can't wait until we finally meet in person but you have been way too amazing for me.  You have always been there when I needed it and I am so humbled to have you in my life!

-Rilee- You have always been so wonderful to me when I was at Byte and one of my funniest most genuine friends.  I was working through a lot of difficult things during that time, and I left feeling the lowest of the lowest of the earth   And you very calmly helped me to work though that.  Thank you for having seen the best in me when I was at my worst.  Thank you for the times you reached out to me and thank you for being so empathetic while talking to me through things.

-Tania- You also have been so incredible to me.  You have such a calming effect on me.  I miss your sweet voice.  I love how you are so gracious, you forgive people easily, and you are always there for others.  I miss Solo! lol But thank you for introducing me to some of your closest friends/family.  Speaking of which.....

-Jose-  So sorry we keep missing each other but thank you for being one of the kindest friends I have and for always checking on me and making it easy to hang out.  We will hang out soon and I just wanted to say how much I love you!

-Anthony- You are the kindest man I know and you were so supportive when I was in a major slump.  Thank you so much for being a wonderful example to me and thank you so much for having been there in my best and worst days!

-Scarlett- Thank you so much for all of your loving and supportive comments on my posts when I share either something I am overcoming or overcame.  You have been incredibly compassionate and I really don't know how to thank you for it.  Thank you so much for you sweet presence in my life!  

-Pete- Thank you for always sharing jokes and funny memes with me while at the same time being such an awesome and caring friend.  You have the most caring heart out of anyone.  

-Jake Johnson-Thank you for having been such a consistent presence in my life these last 10 years.  Thank you for randomly sending me jokes for picking up my calls and being so generous with your time.  Thank you for having stuck with me during my best and worst moments and for having seen things in me I didn't see myself.  

-Dave Brooksby-  You influenced me so much when I was at the now Ensign College (it will always be LDS Business College to me).  But you have always brought the best out of me and you always saw the best in me and you always made me feel like the best alumni.  I love how compassionate you are and thank you for always sending me jokes and laughing at the lame ones I send.  Isn't it against the Honor Code? 😂😂😂

-Suzie- Suzie came in as a customer at Smith's and brightens my day when she comes in and she's been so supportive of me since we met.  Thank you for all your supportive comments always!  

-Chubbz-Thank you for being an amazing and loyal friend all of these years.  Thank you for all the times you had me in your home, made me dinner, for all the times you reached out to me.  Thank you for the amazing 40 minute call a few weeks ago.  Thank you for being super kind while also being super goofy.  Thank you for being in my life all of these years.  

-Rob- It was so good to catch up with you at Aubergine.  I loved meeting your little family.  You continue to be the amazing man I met 12 years ago.  Thank you for your wonderful influence all of these years.  Thank you for the amazing man that you are!  

-Matt Fellows-Matt was the best tutor I ever had when I was at LDSBC.  He saw me struggle in school and he saw me struggle in life and  he has never stopped being so gracious and compassionate and caring.  He handled me with a lot of love and he is always so positive and empowers you.  It's been 12 years and I still feel the strong impact Matt Fellows had and has on me. 

-Vern-  Thank you so much for taking such great care of my mom and us.  Thank you for taking me to Matchbox 20.  Thank you so much for helping me with car advice.  Thank you for always making sure I am ok.  Thank you for being so good to me in your home and thank you for all the love you and your kids always give me.  Thank you for all the amazing Thanksgivings and Christmases.  I love you! 

-Danielle-

My dear cousin/sister.  I don't think I cried so much at the loss of someone like I did with you and I thought about you every single day these last 19 months.  I noticed major shifts coming to my life since you left this earth.  I miss you a lot!  Thank you for taking such good care of me from the other side.  Both when you were on this earth but there, thank you for making sure I don't feel forgotten, left out, and thank you for showing up in ways I can't see.  I love you so much and I miss you so much!  Thank you so much for being such a special guardian angel!  

-Bishop Erwin- Thank you for having received me in your ward with so much love even when I was just visiting.  Thank you for having taken the time to listen to my story with so much love, empathy, and compassion, and for how good you made me feel.  Thank you for all the work that you do and thank you for being so uplifting!  And thank you for having such a loving personality and all of your remarks.  

-Tia Ana- 

Thank you for having put up with my long texts/emails and my stories and my ramblings about Math.  Thank you for always making me feel so smart even though I don't always feel like it.  Thank you for being so gracious and forgiving when I spent years isolating.  Thank you for your beautiful and loving presence during my healing journey. Love you!!! 

-Mom- Thank you for being my kindred spirit.  Thank you for being my number one fan.  Thank you for teaching me how to treat others, animals, for making others feel like their best selves.  Thank you for the pep talks and thank you for your reminders and thank you for not letting me be too hard on myself.  Thank you so much for all your love and support when I was at my worst.  Thank you for all our mother-son times.  Thank you for the moral support you gave me at school.  Thank you for enduring our hardest times together.  Thank you for always picking up calls.  Thank you so much for being my biggest cheerleader in my hardest days.  Thank you so much for all the sacrifices you made.  Thank you so much for all the yummy meals.  Thank you for always being by myself when no one would.  Thank you so much for making me feel smart and remind me how far I came when I felt stuck.  

My mom is a people magnet. She has a way of making people fall in love with her within seconds.  I never met anyone more compassionate than my mom.  She's the type of person who will buy a bottle of cold water for the mechanic working on her can.  I've seen her buy groceries for the missionaries.  She knows how to make others feel special.  She's always treated my friends like her own children.  She's always rescued and adopted new pets.   I learned a lot about loving animals from her.  She's very fun and upbeat. My mom has been an incredible support to me who has helped me to see the end goal, to visualize me graduating already, and finding a better job.  She's had me visualize myself as an Actuary now and having a better quality of life.  Thank you so much for pushing me through this, for showing what I have overcome already, and what I am overcoming now.  She's shown me how much I learned.  Thank you for being my biggest motivation!  Love you mom! ❤️

Funny Italian Slangs/Expressions

- Dare una Pizza- to give a pizza 

In Italian, Vado ti dare una pizza means I'm going to slap you! 

-Sfigato- Unlucky


-A Tutta birra (birra=beer) - as fast as possible.   Vado a tutta birra da te= I got to your house as fast as possible



- Mangiar la minestra o saltar questra finestra (ou coma essa sopa ou pule da janela) Take it or leave it


-Limonare- (limone, lemon -to make out. voglio limonare con te. I want to make out with you



-In bocca al lupo- na boca do lobo......Good Luck



-Boh!- I don't know. Qualcosa, vuoi mangiare? Boh! (what do you want to eat? Boh!)


- Che Schifo- when something is disgusting like a 70 year old hitting on a 16 year old girl.

- Mi fa cagare- (makes me poo), when something is awful, like the food in that restaurant.

- Che figata!-  How cool!!!

- Che palle- (what balls), when something is a pain in the a$$

-Figurati- "it's nothing", don't worry about it

-Dai- "come on!" "stop it!"