Jiujitsu, Ketamine, and the Art of Coming Back

Wow. That’s the only word I can think of. It took me nearly a year to understand just how truly beautiful a ketamine journey is. I don’t even know how to describe it. I wish everyone could experience this level of healing—this bird’s-eye view of your own life, where even your pain starts to make sense. Where it doesn’t crush you anymore. And I couldn’t have done it without my favorite ketamine song:

 Passage

 I wrote a previous post about it here.

 Lately, my traumas have been screaming louder than usual. I visited Pitada Brazil with my mom. It was such a sweet experience—the food was amazing. I finally shared with her a song I heard on the radio the last time I visited my grandparents.

 Then I ran into an old assistant from jiujitsu. It stirred up memories of a version of me I’d left behind. I reconnected with my instructor. I felt so good about it—like pieces of myself were finally reintegrating. I was starting to feel unstuck. So I shared a message in our group chat: a heartfelt reflection on returning to jiujitsu, how it’s become part of my ketamine integration, and how much it’s meant to me. 

 No one responded. And then my instructor didn’t reply to an important question either. 

 Cue the RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)—that firestorm of pain when it feels like everything is crumbling, even if nothing’s technically wrong. I was triggered by everything: rude drivers, rude customers, even silence. It all touched the same nerve: “You don’t matter.” 

 So I took it into a ketamine session. I brought all of it—every unanswered message, every invisible wound. And the medicine held it all with gentleness. It reminded me: silence doesn’t always mean they don’t care. Sometimes people freeze. Sometimes life is too loud. Sometimes they’re just scared to say the wrong thing. 

 That session showed me how to embrace the messiness of relationships.

 And yeah—it still hurt. But the point isn’t to avoid pain (or assign blame or shame). 

It’s to alchemize it.

To breathe into it. To hold space for it without being consumed. 

 Jiujitsu does the same thing for me. It’s not just exercise—it’s a moving meditation. It’s breathwork. It’s discipline. It’s something deeply Brazilian that grounds me in my body and my culture.

 It complements ketamine perfectly.

 One takes me out of my body to show me the map. The other grounds me back into the terrain. 

 That’s the lesson I had to learn with ketamine: You process things. You integrate. You’re broken apart—and then you’re put back together. 

 If you’re curious about this kind of healing, I can’t recommend Better U enough. Go to betterucare.com Use my promo code NANDO84 to get started with $100 discount—it could change your life the way it’s changed mine.

The Ugly, Beautiful Truth About Healing With Ketamine

I owe my deepest gratitude to ketamine treatment.

If I had found Better U in my twenties, maybe I could’ve avoided years of silent suffering.

This week marked the anniversary of losing someone I loved dearly.
Her death didn’t just reopen old wounds — it dragged me back into the trauma I thought I had buried after my dad’s death two decades ago.

Ketamine didn’t erase that pain.
It gave me the courage to finally face it without running.

The day before her anniversary, I had the most peaceful ketamine session I’ve ever experienced.

It wasn’t beautiful because I was numb — it was beautiful because, for the first time, I could sit with everything without trying to escape.
Almost a year of integration work had brought me here.
I could feel the difference: I was at peace, even as waves of grief and love crashed through me.

But peace doesn’t mean painless.
That session cracked me wide open.

It brought so many raw emotions to the surface that I felt exposed in ways I wasn’t ready for.
I found myself overly emotional — even embarrassed by how much was pouring out in my behavior, my texts, the way I showed up.

I finally understood the real meaning of "psychedelic" — psyche: the soul; delos: to reveal.
Ketamine didn’t just reveal my soul — it ripped the cover off and handed it back to me, trembling and alive.

In my desperation to "fix" the emotional flooding, I scheduled another ketamine session almost immediately.
But it backfired. Hard.

This time, there was no psychedelic intensity, no profound revelations — just a heavy, empty feeling.
Like my mind was saying, No. Not like this.

It hit me:

I’m not in the early days anymore, when I needed sessions every few days just to stabilize.
My body — my soul — was telling me loud and clear:
Slow the fuck down. Respect the work you’ve already done.

Integration isn’t about drowning yourself in treatments.
It’s about pacing with your own healing, even when you’re uncomfortable.
Even when you’re scared you’re "not doing enough."

Pushing harder wasn’t going to save my progress — it was going to fucking kill it.

Ketamine cracked me open.
Integration is what’s rebuilding me.

Without the psychedelic highs.
Without the urgent fixes.
Without chasing an escape.

Real healing is a lot quieter.
A lot messier.
A lot more fucking real.

Better U didn’t just hand me a treatment plan — they handed me a goddamn lifeline.

If you’re ready to stop running and start healing, I can’t recommend them enough.

And if you decide to begin your own journey with Better U, you can use my code NANDO84.
It’ll save you some money — but more importantly, it’s my way of paying it forward.
Because this work saved my life.

Healing isn’t linear.
It’s not clean.
It’s messy. It’s beautiful.
It’s brutal.

And it’s worth every fucking ounce of effort.

Trust the slow work. Trust the soul work.
And if ketamine treatment is part of your story, treat it like the sacred mirror it is — not an escape hatch.

Your healing deserves your whole heart.
Nothing less.

Passage

 I got the title and theme of this post from a song that speaks to transformation and growth: Listen Here.

One of my favorite definitions of the word passage is "the process from one state to another."

I got this song from the Transcend playlist from Better U, the company I've been doing my ketamine treatments with.  Better U has four guiding modules: Heal, Love, Grow, and Transcend. Transcending is all about rising above and going beyond the limits of what you thought was possible. Transcendence is about breaking free from old boundaries—whether they are mental, emotional, or physical—and stepping into new territory. And I just LOVEEEEEEE the build-up this song has!!! Better U did an AMAZING job picking out the music for our treatments!

To become a Better U, go to betterucare.com and use my promo code NANDO84 for a $100 discount.  

But I LOVE LOVE LOVEEEEEE this song!  I had the most peaceful ketamine session on the eve of the 3-year anniversary of my cousin's passing.  

Thank you all so much for the support with my visit to the cemetery where I went to see her and my dad.  Thank you Better U for this incredible treatment at such an affordable rate!!!

With my being so close to graduation and school clicking so beautifully and everything else clicking too, this is truly the best feeling ever and I just had to write this to document the moment!!! :)

Samskeyti

This is the second time in a row that the title of a blog post came from a song in one of Better U's playlists.

Samskeyti - Sigur Rós

"Samskeyti" is an Icelandic word that has a few meanings, depending on the context. In Icelandic, it can refer to a feeling of emotional connection, often describing a deep, comforting, and serene state of togetherness or a kind of emotional bond that brings peace. It can also be associated with a sense of calmness or contentment that comes from being in the presence of someone or something important to you.

In the context of the song, it’s understood as a moment of quiet, intimate connection. The word itself doesn’t have a direct English translation, but it’s often described as a deeply emotional experience.

I started writing a book around the results of my healing journey, and I’m still trying to find words to describe the whole experience. It wasn’t just the ketamine treatment when I was going through it. It was all the journaling, the intentions I set before my sessions, and the integration afterwards. I met with an integration coach every three sessions.

My ketamine treatment definitely helped me get past some mental blocks. After failing nearly every class for five years, my love for Math was rekindled. I started doing well in school again. There was music I grew up with that was too traumatic to listen to for 20 years, and I fell in love with it again. I’m playing the saxophone again. I played the sax all throughout Junior High and High School.

There was a session I went into with the intention of having abundance in my schooling and my Amazon business, and I woke up from it with the feeling of just being kind to myself and others. It’s funny how sometimes we set a very specific intention, expecting to get answers or breakthroughs related to that one thing, but what we end up receiving is something entirely different, yet just as important. That session was a reminder that, before chasing after success or external achievements, I needed to learn to treat myself with the same kindness I often extend to others. That feeling of self-compassion, though subtle at the time, has become foundational in how I approach not just my studies and business, but my life as a whole.

Samskeyti, to me, feels like that moment of quiet understanding. It’s the peace that settles in when we stop striving so hard to force things to happen and instead allow ourselves to be present with what is. It’s in these moments of stillness that I’ve started to heal. The experience isn’t just about the highs or the breakthroughs—it’s about finding comfort in the simplicity of being.

As I’ve integrated these lessons from ketamine therapy, I’ve also learned that healing isn’t a linear process. There are setbacks, challenges, and periods where things don’t feel as clear. But those moments of serenity, of emotional connection to myself, have been my anchor. I can’t fully explain it, but there’s a certain peace that comes with understanding that I don’t have to have everything figured out.

I’ve noticed changes in how I approach my Amazon business, too. The pressure I used to feel to succeed quickly has softened. Instead of obsessing over each small failure, I’m able to step back and look at the bigger picture. I’ve realized that the journey itself, even with its challenges, is valuable. The calmness from that ketamine session, and the lessons that followed, have helped me be gentler with myself in both my personal and professional life.

I’m still on this journey, still finding words to describe what I’ve experienced, but I do know this: there’s a unique beauty in the quiet moments of growth, the slow unfolding of peace, and the understanding that sometimes, the right answer is simply to be present in the moment. Like the word samskeyti, it’s an experience you can’t quite translate, but one you can feel deeply—if you let yourself.

Better U

Better U

It's more than just the name of the company I used to get my ketamine treatment.  This became my mantra.

From my first round of 9 sessions to the first two sessions of my current one, I noticed that my sessions have been leading me to a more self-compassionate me.  

This last session made me process talking to all my UVU professors looking at the experience with a lot of love.  Some difficult memories came up but even those made me look at them with a lot of love as well.

My previous session took me to the top of the view of the rock climbing wall where I go rock climbing at UVU and the view didn't feel so scary.  And I could see those that were supporting me when I was facing my fear of heights.

My seventh session in the first prescription was hard but at the very end it closed with the memories of my friend Amelia saying the kindest things towards me.

When studying for my Actuary exams, I've been able to do 40+ questions a day.  Songs that gave me the worst flashbacks for 22 years no longer carry that weight. 

I am really really really excited to be going back to school this Fall and I am so close to graduating.   I was able to process all of that in ketamine as well.  

Some of the questions prompts involve a lot of deep thinking and reflecting and the music in those playlists really make you feel your feelings.  

I can't wait to see where the rest of my treatment takes me but I can't say enough great things about Better U!

UVU Spring 2024 Special Thank You's

This is the first time I wrote one of these for a semester I took off.  I wrote my very first one at Spring 2011 when I was a student at LDS Business College.  And since then, I've been really letting it out.  And UVU has been such an amazing blessing in my life.   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMk1ZrxkqY0

The first one I wanted to write was Dr. Heiny.

He was my Mathstats professor last Fall.  When I took that class, I was in the middle of going through a lot of changes in my personal life and I was also so overloaded barely hanging on.  Dr. Heiny has been so patient with me.  So generous with his time both in his office as well as his email response time.  He's been an amazing mentor to me.  He gave me so many amazing tips on how to be a better student and getting my confidence back.  He has been so calm.  He has helped me so much to understand a difficult subject.  He is also great to chit chat about things and baseball.  He's helped me to see my progress and ways that I get in my own way sometimes.  I can't wait to have him as my professor this coming Fall again.

- Dr. Patrick Ling- In doing my preps for Exam FM now, I am incredibly grateful for his help in preparing for it.  He showed me some great shortcuts.  He was always so available in his office.  He spent 5 hours with me on the even of my first attempt going over final prep with me.  He helped me to make sense of the questions and read them carefully and slow down.  He helped me to see common mistakes I made.  He helped me to stay current with my Math.  He was a huge part in rekindling my relationship with Math.  He advocated for me to a recruiter that came to visit our campus.  "When Fernando came to our school, he was very beaten up and we have been building him back up" and I will never forget those words.  

-Dr. Islam- Dr. Islam was my professor Spring 2023.  Since then he has been so generous with his office time.  He shares with me his research projects.  And he always goes deep in topics I am studying and helps me understand Statistics topics better.  He helped me so much to not feel lost in his class.  He makes me feel like I have been progressing.  He made me feel good about the way I express myself.  And he's been a really good mentor and makes sure I have my questions answered.  

- Dr. Kidd - Dr. Kidd is such an amazing professor, I don't have words to start describing him.  He is very professional, very kind, very attentive in his emails.  He is great at explaining things.  He really helps students to get to where they want professionally while holding you accountable.  He is great at explaining Statistics so that even a five year old can understand.  He gave me an opportunity to help a graduate student this semester with a capstone project while getting some hands on experience.  

- Dr  Joe Simmons- Thank you so much for our amazing chats about life, helping me with Math problems and getting over the hump I was in.   He was so kind to buy me lunch too and made me feel so validated. Great guy.  Always makes me laugh.  Very spontaneous.  Hilarious.  Brings so much joy into our conversations and he helped me so much to regain my confidence with school and great friend and mentor.  

- Lisa W.- Best academic coach.  She helped me to get through so much!  Lisa is the sweetest soul while also keeping me accountable.  My UVU experience would not be the same without her.

-Maren- Maren took a struggling student who was failing multiple classes, was feeling very traumatized by not only a relatively recent death, and she helped me so much to not only get the help I need academically, but emotionally as well.  She saw the best in me.  She helped me to see that I will graduate when I was losing all hope.  She got me an amazing tutor and math friend that helped me so much to make sure I am understanding Mathstats.  I like how we get into deep topics.  She's been a wonderful listener and support.

-Dr. Zhu- So last semester, I used to always go to his office, say hi to him, we talked a little bit and I always shook his hand on the way out.  And then I took this semester off.   He gave me a hard time for not going there anymore.  And I had no idea I had that kind of impact on people.  He was such an amazing professor.  I will miss him so much now that he retired!

-Dr. Andrist- I had reached the lowest point in my academic life.  She really gave me the hope that I can do this.  She made me feel so important when she reached out to me.  She helped me to not take on too much.  She's been a great support.  Her perfect balance between kindness and empathy while also keeping myself accountable has helped me to push through so much!  She's been an amazing support in my journey pushing my Actuary exams.

-Dave B.- Dave is the best friend anybody can ever have.  He always messages me randomly and sends  me joke and makes me feel like I was important part of what is now Ensign College (LDS Business College when I went there).  We have the same dad joke humor. He is a very loving, humorous type of guy and I love him! 

-Abi- Abi has been an amazing body double.  Best homework buddy ever and she always makes me feel included and connected in her activities.  I was able to get a lot done with just her sitting across from me while she worked on something else.  

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Although I don't go to school with them, I see them so frequently, they just became a huge part of my life and don't realize it.  I am talking about the amazing folks at Grifols plasma in Orem.  

-Connor is one of the kindest, most genuine guys.  And he does such an amazing job sticking.

- I always love when Mikaylee sticks me because she's so funny, and such a sweet soul, and I end up hearing her random stories and she just elevates my mood.  She always has a smile on her face and gives her undivided attention to the people she's helping.  She just brightens everyone's days.  She does an amazing job sticking.  Everyone is naturally drawn out to her and she keeps such a humility about it.  

-Nina is the sweetest and so funny and she's so empathetic while she makes me laugh and gives me a hard time.  She does such a beautiful job sticking as well. She has a really contagious energy and she connects so well with everyone.  

-Porter-  Porter makes me feel so good about myself when I come in.  He is so funny and he is so fun to banter with and at the same time one of the kindest, most caring guys I met.  I just love Porter!  

-Tyrell-  It may seem like such a small thing but I was so happy to see him back.  I had only talked to him once and he made me feel like his best friend.  He is so awesome to talk to.  One of the friendliest guys I ever met.

-Colby- (I hope I spelled his name right).  He always acts so happy to see me.  I love the fake fights he picks with Porter over me hahaha.  But he is such a gentleman and kind and funny guy and makes me feel so good when I come in.  

-Odi- Odi is such a sweet soul.  So kind.  She's so friendly and fun to talk to.  She connects really well with her donors and does such a good job both sticking and conversationally.  She always has a smile on her face while balancing this job with her family life.  And she was so caring and went out of her way to help me find my car key that I accidentally left in my car hahahaha.

-Amelia- Amelia always makes me feel so special.  She makes me feel like the coolest person ever.  She always makes me feel so good about coming in.  She has no idea how much her words helped me lift my self-confidence and she makes me feel so unique.  So thank you Amelia for not only contributing to my amazing experience at Grifols but for your excitement, enthusiasm, and for helping me see myself in a new light.

-Lia- Lia made me feel so good when we met.  She is just so happy to see everybody and receives them with the biggest smile.  She takes genuine interest in your and your life and knows how to connect with others.  She's so patient and empathetic and just so generous in her interactions.  And she's really funny.  She also sees the best in everyone.  The second time I was screenened by her, she made me feel so special with the way she lit up when I came in.  I have been incredibly touched by how kind she is.

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I also wanted to include the UVU Brazilian club.  Especially Victor (we miss you already), Amanda, Camila, Dani, Lucas, Pedro (who is not even Brazilian lol).  They make me feel so special and always reminding me of different activities and they message me and they are also really generous with their time when they see me in the halls.  I just love my Brazilian club so much!

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-Alissa- Words can't express how fortunate I am to have someone like Alissa in my life.  A couple of years ago, when my brakes failed she texted me. Then she wanted to watch a World Cup game with me just to support me.  And same with improv, and now my upcoming graduation and she texted me to check on me when two of my friends died in February.  Alissa is the best and the sweetest friend I ever made.  

-Lisa D.- Lisa is a very amazing and special friend I made long distance.  She was so sweet to reach out to me when a common friend of us passed away and showed me how we are here for each other.  I was going through an incredible shitty time that month.  And Lisa has just been an angel.  I miss Kendra a lot and she's helped me get through such a difficult loss.  

-Elis-  Elis is the best friend I could ever have made.  When we met way back in the dinosaur years, my life really was going nowhere.  She's seen me struggle for a long time and never thought any less of me and kept initiating contact.  She's taken me to a Jazz game.  Makes sure I am feeling healthy when fasting.  Has the patience of a saint with my long messages.  She called me when Kendra passed.  She's so empathetic and understanding and patient with the hardest parts of my life and makes me feel incredibly safe.  She helped me to get through the pain of losing my cousin 2 years ago.  And helped me to get through a very hard month of February.  There was a dance where she was always pushing me to ask the girls I liked to dance and then would ask, "where is her number?".  And we need people like that in our lives that push us to our very best.  

-Mom-   these are the words I wrote about her last semester that still hold true today.

Thank you for being my kindred spirit.  Thank you for being my number one fan.  Thank you for teaching me how to treat others, animals, for making others feel like their best selves.  Thank you for the pep talks and thank you for your reminders and thank you for not letting me be too hard on myself.  Thank you so much for all your love and support when I was at my worst.  Thank you for all our mother-son times.  Thank you for the moral support you gave me at school.  Thank you for enduring our hardest times together.  Thank you for always picking up calls.  Thank you so much for being my biggest cheerleader in my hardest days.  Thank you so much for all the sacrifices you made.  Thank you so much for all the yummy meals.  Thank you for always being by myself when no one would.  Thank you so much for making me feel smart and remind me how far I came when I felt stuck.  

My mom is a people magnet. She has a way of making people fall in love with her within seconds.  I never met anyone more compassionate than my mom.  She's the type of person who will buy a bottle of cold water for the mechanic working on her can.  I've seen her buy groceries for the missionaries.  She knows how to make others feel special.  She's always treated my friends like her own children.  She's always rescued and adopted new pets.   I learned a lot about loving animals from her.  She's very fun and upbeat. My mom has been an incredible support to me who has helped me to see the end goal, to visualize me graduating already, and finding a better job.  She's had me visualize myself as an Actuary now and having a better quality of life.  Thank you so much for pushing me through this, for showing what I have overcome already, and what I am overcoming now.  She's shown me how much I learned.  Thank you for being my biggest motivation!  Love you mom! ❤️

What Math Has Taught Me About Self-Compassion

     Although, I have loved Math since I was in 7th grade, it wasn't until I got to later High School Math, Trig, Calculus, and Statistics that I started to see just how fascinating Math really is!  

     I will get to in a little bit what really fascinates me about Math.  People say that Math was so easy until they started to add the "x" and it gets more and more complicated.  While I agree every new topic adds a level of complexity, I will argue that the more advanced Math gets, the EASIER life gets in some aspects.  For example, the multiplication sign is saving us time from having to add the same thing multiple times.  The geometric series is there to help us save time adding up things that increase or decrease by an amount.  Counting techniques help us to find unique ways to listing an individual item or groups without having to list them all.  The theta symbol makes it a lot easier to see an angle like the red octagon sign on the road is a stop sign.  

     Let's say you bought a musical instrument and you only learned how to play one note or even a few notes.  You wouldn't say, this is so boring and useless, all this instrument does is play a note and I don't care how that note sounds.  And that's how I look at it whenever people say, "This is so boring/useless/I don't care about what x" and other variations of the same complaint.  

     The very first time I ever watched Jurassic Park I thought, "What a boring movie.  It's just this guy outside explaining to everyone dinosaur eggs".  My little brother said, "That's not even the beginning of the movie!"  And that's how I see whenever people bringing out something similar about "finding x".  One thing I find so beautiful in Math is moving different pieces around, finding how something is expressed in a different way, substitutions, variable transformations, and how you start to see movement.  In our high school math, we are only used to either seeing a line or a specific shape curve.  Well, in Calculus we are introduced to polar coordinates (which allow us to draw flowers and other cool stuff as well), and parametric equations which allow us to draw more unique curves.  We then get into 3D and we use the same parametric equations to see how an object moves over time and we get to see how things interact in space.  Also, in Statistics, we are introduced to the concept of random variables and we get to see how different variables interact with one another, then we analyze two variables working together, and we make transformations out of them to get easier to work with as well as to increase accuracy.  

But in order to get there, we have to learn the basic stuff that get us there.  And there is a lot to learn for us to be able to appreciate it and get to that level.  But once you start putting in the pieces, you start to be the beauty of it all and it becomes a beautiful musical piece.  And it's the same with learning a language as well.  

One of the things that made me fall in love with Mathematical Statistics (MathStat) is the concept of variable substitutions and transformations.

An example of this is when we learned about the U-substitution in Calc 2.

The idea is we take what would be a difficult to solve integral, convert it to a simpler integral, and we can either transform back to the original variables or we can change the integration limits to the variable u and solve for that.  

When you get into 3-D, it's it's even more fascinating.  We use the Jacobian method of transformation to transform the surface into a whole new coordinate system. (U,V)

In Mathstat, we use this not only to make numbers easier to work with but we want to get a clear view of what's going on with that image and the image we get doesn't give us a clear view of what is happening there.  And I find the process of converting from the (X,Y) coordinate system to the (U,V) something so cool!!!!  And in Mathstat,the probability distribution of the (X,Y) world is the same as a different probability distribution of the (U,V) world.  

If you look at the top row, before the bivariate transformation, those circles (we call them level curves in Calc 3) are very crooked.  

And for me, anything of this world is in the (X,Y) coordinate system that we see and take for granted and everything spiritual we can't see is in the (U,V) coordinate system.  And when we beat ourselves up too much, we are not looking at ourselves in the (U,V) coordinate system which is how God sees us.  And what's cool is that there are infinite dimensions!!!!

So if you are being too hard on yourself, look at yourself in your U,V coordinates instead of your X,Y coordinates.

And I close with one of my favorite quotes from Marianne Williamson often attributed to Nelson Mendela:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.